Find Religion

Do you have an empty place in your life? This is probably because no one of the opposite sex likes or respects you. But it may be because you don't have religion. Studies and anecdotal evidence indicate that religious people are more happy. Religion is also an excuse to protest, miss work, or be a bigot.

There are a lot of religions, however, and you need one that fits you. I am partial to Juche, mainly because its current leader is my favorite pygmy. I also like the Church of Doodie, because it is mine. It involves drinking.

You should choose the one that fits you. As usual, Wikipedia is a good place to research this topic. It has a list, which is good. You can also make up a religion. The ultimate goal, if you are creating your own religion, should be to gain recognition by the IRS and courts. This will give you tax benefits, and may allow you to do otherwise illegal things for "religious purposes". Some day, I hope the IRS will allow me to write off alcohol expenses, and the courts will recognize that drinking and driving is a protected religious practice for members of the Church of Doodie.

If choosing an existing religion, there are a few things to consider. First, it should be a religion that either has or had a significant number of followers, and has a decently long history. This is because number of followers and historical roots are what differentiate a cult from a religion. The latter gets protection and tax benefits, while the former gets stigmatized or worse. I recommend against religions that collect guns; they usually get "or worse". I would also choose a religion that does not require much to become a member. Some religions can have a lot of red tape. On the flip side, it is good to find a religion that is easy to leave, in case you decide you made a hasty decision. Religions that pester you for more money are also not ideal, considering you are a graduating law student. You are probably jobless, have a few hundred thousand in loans, and your law school will be requesting donations in no time. Plus, you might end up supporting your pre-law-school girlfriend when you move in with your parents, go crawling back to her in desperation, and knock her up. Finally, try to find a religion that allows you to do cool things.

There are some different considerations when creating your own religion. You will initially be ignored, or possibly labeled a fraud. If you attract enough followers, you will be labeled a cult. This is actually a goal when creating a religion, although I still recommend against collecting guns until you are accepted as a legitimate religion. You want a religion that builds a sense of community and does cool things, because this will attract more followers. A scary but unverifiable carrot-stick belief system is useful, as is a mandatory donation system. Everyone know you want to bilk idiots, but you should try to create something that is particularly attractive to rich idiots. This will make your religious experience especially satisfy.

Alcohol and the Great Pygmy bless you all.