Think of Better Places

Your Barbri classroom is a terrible place. Try to imagine someplace you would rather be. I like to imagine a classic American dive bar. A dive bar is the near-polar opposite of my Barbri classroom. It has no view, to remind me that it is summer and I could be outside. A dive bar is not filled with obnoxious, sober people, who are desperately trying to make themselves look important. And it has nearly unlimited supplies of beer.

A perfect dive bar will have certain characteristics. It will be dark, dirty, and will not smell great. The bathroom will not be clean, and it may or may not have towels. The bartender will be oldish, friendly, and about as clean as the bar. There will be a big American flag hanging on the wall, unless you are in the South, when it will be the Stars and Bars. The best dive bars will have both flags, allowing you to make jokes about the flags re-fighting the War of Northern Aggression.

A dive bar will also draw a specific crowd. It will be primarily filled with blue-collar workers who come in after work. They generally have a thick local accent, the same as the bartender, use a lot of profanity, and are friendly to each other but suspicious of non-regulars. You may also see some white-collar regulars. They are usually alone, rather than with co-workers. The white-collar regulars are usually a little older than the blue-collar groups. They are divorced, and conversations with one of them will usually revolve around "that bitch" who is stealing his money, keeping him away from the children he didn't have time for when they were married, and dating his boss. These guys are often lawyers or car salesmen with JDs. Avoid them. You may also find some students from the local college or high school. This is because dive bars don't card with great enthusiasm. All of these regulars are males, although the college/high schoolers may occasionally get a girl or two to join by getting them fake IDs.

There will also be an old guy in the corner. Great guy. He shows up around 1:00, passes out around 6:00, wakes up at 8:00, and leaves at 10-11:00. When awake, he will randomly comment to anyone walking by him to the bathroom (the old guy is always near the bathroom), and he will make a point of harassing any girls who wander into the bar.

The most important part about a dive bar is, of course, the beer. Beer is good. A dive bar will usually have 3-4 beers on tap, although one of these will always be cashed at any given time. Most of the beer in a dive bar will be of the cheap, shitty, American variety. In a dive bar, the "cheap" works in both senses. A dive bar should never be expensive. If it is, it's probably trying to be a hipster bar. If you see someone in skinny jeans, who doesn't look totally lost and terrified by the uncomprehending proletariat surrounding him, you are in a hipster bar. Flee. The bar will also have some hard alcohol, but don't expect much in the way of mixers or knowledge of drinks/shots.

If I have been in the bar long enough, I will describe it as heaven. Most of my classmates expect me to turn into the white-collar regular described above.