WWHD?

I hope your post-bar life is going well and that you've had at least 2 and no more than 6 sober days since the bar exam.

My friend Doodie posted the following status this evening: "Courier New is a terrible font."  My guess is that he's writing an appellate brief (probably pro se) to some court with antiquated rules to acquire a writ of habeas corpus some hopeless result.

Of course, I replied, "Not as bad as 'Hitler New.'"  Then, because he was away from his computer and didn't respond to my stupid joke, I amended, "er, I mean Comic Sans."

But you know what?  It got me thinking.  If Hitler could use a font - which would it be?  Tell me in the comments.

I'm asking you: 

WWHD?

What Would Hitler Do?

Best Week of the Year

Oh, wow...it's Monday night the last week in July! It's time for the bar exam. And then it's time for exhausted binge drinking, the likes of which you've never experienced.

You've got one day more.

IT'S BAR EXAM WEEK!!!  YAYAYAYAY!!!

Sorry we didn't entertain you the way we entertained ourselves.  But, for words of inspiration, see our posts from our bar exam last year:

KICK ASS

by The Breacher

BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID

by Doodie

(and it's the best week because by the end of it you'll be done taking the bar exam for the first time)

Find Love...The Old Fashioned Way

Right about now you're starting to panic, huh?  The stress is creeping in.  You've covered all the MBE topics and can't remember the difference between assault the crime and battery the tort.  (Which reminds me . . . Q: What did the chef do when he was angry? A: He beat the eggs and whipped the cream. Q: What made him angry? A: Dinner wasn't ready.)  And you can't seem to find any way to get rid of that stress.

You know what you need.  A little bit of lovin'.  But not from another bar studier.  That's just asking for frustration and trouble.  No, you need to find somebody new (or figure out another type of battery).

And where better to find someone new than dating sites.  We're going to start with a warm up, before you actually get hurt.  Watch this video and decide who the most datable person is.  If you like men, find someone like him, if you don't, pick the person most like you. 

Let us know who you picked in the comments.

Get Talented (a.k.a. Alternate Career Plan B)

If the "Personal" section of your resume states that you like to play golf/tennis/other upper-class sport or to travel/study languages/photograph things/other non-life threatening activity, you should probably start developing a Plan B. You are boring and no one will remember you.

Dan Mink graduated from law school, passed the bar and went on to practice law. Unlike other attorneys, however, Dan devised a Plan B that would see him through these rough economic times. Dan got talented. Not underwater basket weaving talented - more like shooting guns, throwing knives and roping things talented. You know, talents that really stand out in the "Personal" section of a resume.

Take a boring attorney, throw a western hat, matching boots and western shirt on him and you get an attorney ready to represent a client in rural Texas. If that attorney can sing and has become a World Champion Whip Performer, World Champion Gunspinner, World Champion Knife Performer and Member of the International Knife Thrower's Hall of Fame, you get an attorney who's ready to play Vegas, baby. You get Dan Mink.

Now, add rhinestones to Dan Mink's outfit, and you get a well-received contestant on America's Got Talent! VOTE DAN!

Get Ready for this Jelly (a.k.a. Career Plan B)

Jello is traditionally associated with 1950s housewifery and Mormon potlucks in Utah, but its time to move Jello into the 2000s.

Step 1 - Make the jello - Jello itself is easy enough to make if you go the instant packet route. If you want to be more high-end about it you can make it from scratch and impress the ladies/dudes.

Buy or make a mold, boil some water, add gelatin and then add some other ingredients (sugar, fruits, etc.). Put it in the fridge to set and head to bar review class.

The hard part is making jello not boring. I suggest taking cues from the UK jellymongers duo Bompas & Parr:

a) Make jello from molds of historic buildings (St. Paul's above), Buckingham Palace or the Pyramids

b) That's not impressive enough? Make city- or country-scapes! (San Fran, the U.S.)

c) Make club-worthy jello (glow in the black lights - ow ow!)

d) Add alcohol (a la the Jello Mold Mistress of Brooklyn = rum - mojito, cinnamon schnapps - cherry bomb)

e) Go AVANT GARDE with your jelly, yo!

Step 2 - ???

Step 3 - Profit

It Could Be Worse

Right?

Guest Submission: It Is Never To Early For Sabotage

This is another in our Guest Submission series.  The author of this asked to remain anonymous, which I applaud.  I suggested we call her Ms. Slingshotter, because it's like being a gunner, but more biblical.  She suggested Ms. Hateriffic.  Both are apt.  She's taking the NY BarBri class.

Last week the Barbri student rep announced that some of the students were complaining about being distracted by their classmates' web surfing. I am constantly impressed by how low of an overhead BarBri has managed to keep, while still charging us an obscene amount of money. They don’t even have to pay an employee to go to the classes. Not to mention that their supervision entails a call from the office to check in if they think you’re falling behind on the paced program (those of you who have managed to keep up may not be aware of this, but I was certainly surprised). Unfortunately, the flaw in their plan is that the student rep fails to convey any measure of authority. My initial response to his pleas to keep the web surfing to a minimum was: “If you don’t like what I’m looking at, then quit looking at my screen. It has been three years and if you haven’t learned how to ignore your classmates' screens, or if it is beyond your ADD riddled mind, then get up and move.”

But recently I came up with a different strategy. Instead of helping each other concentrate it is officially time for sabotage! Someone has to fail this test and I would prefer if it weren’t me! Now, I would never actively ruin another student’s chances of passing, but passively? While you’re staring at my computer screen? Absolutely!! I’m just not that great of a person, I am a lawyer after all. I learned early on in my law school career, you don’t have out outrun the bear, just the other guy that way he gets eaten first. So if I can slow him down a bit, well hell, I’m not above it.

So what is my magical unavoidable sabotage material? BOOBS!

I learned long ago while shopping for a Victoria’s Secret Jacket (yes they sell clothing too) during 1L year. I saw a sale on lingerie and clicked without thinking. Suddenly, I could feel the eyes of every guy behind me immediately glued to my screen. It is just a fact, once boobs appear, most classmates cannot help themselves, especially if the alternative is a lecture on Agency by a professor who cant control his inflection.

My new game plan: during those stupid hypos that you inevitably don’t listen to, start bra shopping. Or start daydreaming about your post bar trip to California and start bathing suit shopping ASAP! Hell, if you really want to, leave the site up while filling in those stupid blanks. Suddenly no one knows what they are supposed to write and my chances of passing the NY bar will significantly improve. Thank me later ladies!

New Feature: Class Profile - Virgin Virginia Salad Dressing

The Virginia bar is screwy.  And before you get upset with me, rest assured, I know absolutely nothing about the Virginia bar exam.  Except that you had a day on creditor's rights.  That's screwy, and so is Virginia law.

Today's lecture was by Professor Jody S. Kraus, and evidently was titled UCC Workshop, which isn't as bad as "creditor's rights" but isn't good either.

One of our twitter followers described Professor Kraus as "old man hot."  You know who else is "old man hot"?  Mr. Salad Dressing.

Now, I don't get to make these decisions all by myself.  Type A-Minus thought he was more of an ad executive type.

So I ask you...who is more right?  Me or Type A-Minus?  Let us know in the comments.  And if you disagree with both of us, let us know that too and we'll add your suggestions to the post.

EDIT:

OOHH, this is the Breacher again, at 11:43 (really, I need to go to bed and use my remote) but I know who I really meant (or also really meant).

This douche bag tried to take away Dr. House's pills in season three (or two? no I think it was three) AND he teaches creditors rights.

Ok, now it's time for bed.  Happy studying.

If you want your class profiled, let us know, and tell us who is teaching that day.  If you want to write a guest submission, do that too.  Either way, twitter us @BarBriStuffToDo or e-mail us at StuffToDoDuringBarBri@gmail.com.

Be That Which You Hate in the World

What was it that Gandhi said?  Be the change you wish to see in the world, or something?  Well, my advice for killing some time while studying for the bar exam is to do the opposite.  Be that which you hate in the world.

I'm doing it, and I'm not even studying for the bar exam any more.  I'm already a freaking lawyer. 

Let me tell you about it.  I was watching TV the other night using my trusty Comcast multi-device remote control.  That's the thing that you're using to hold down pile number 219 of flash cards when opening the windows on a windy day.  One day you'll get to use yours again for watching television, but not until the end of July.  I pushed the TV button on the top, the first step to set the sleep timer (yeah, I also get to sleep sometimes, it's one of the perks of not studying for the bar).  I hit one button, the Cable button flashes, and remote stops working on the TV.  Well, that's not what I want, I want the TV controls to work.  The remote, on the other hand, had a totally different idea. 

So there are a couple of rational solutions.  First, I knew that I got one TV click before the remote went back to working for the cable box only.  So I clicked the TV button, pushed one button on the remote that I needed, pushed the TV button again, pushed the next button I needed, etc. etc.  This only worked for one night.  The next night, I'm about to set the sleep timer, and I decide that I need to fix this stupid thing.  So what are the options?  I know!  I can throw it against the wall.  But that won't actually help.  Instead, I go search the vast interwebs.  After that didn't work, I found an online chat with my trusty Comcast tech support guy, Gandhi Jerome. 

What is the first thing tech support tells you to do?  You know the answer.  I usually know the answer.  If it was a computer, TV, router, cable box, or anything else that plugs in, I would have known the answer.  Turn it off and turn it back on again.  (If you don't click the links, that's called power cycling).  I do that with my phone ten times a day (but in all fairness, that's to see if the welfare office has called yet).  Well, stupid Breacher, I explain my problem, accept the false platitudes of this being his top priority, and, do as Sanjay Jerome says and take the batteries out of the remote, wait three seconds, and put them back in.  Of course it works.

I usually hate the ass holes that need help with the simplest technical repairs.  And I hate it more when tech support asks if I turned the damned device off and back on.  Which is why it infuriates me that I helped perpetuate this cycle of hate.  I am now a self-hating lawyer. 

And I have no excuse because I'm done studying for the bar.  I wished I lived like Gandhi, things sure were easier then. 

Incorporate "Representative Weiner" into Boring Hypotheticals

Okay, so right now you probably feel like punching yourself in the face to stay awake . . . or because you're a sadomasochist. (Whatever floats your boat, just don't date my future children and we're cool.)

Instead of resorting to physical violence, I recommend beating the dead horse that is Representative Weiner's horrible twitter PR mishap. What boring torts hypothetical wouldn't be made more interesting by the careful placement of the two words - "Representative Weiner" - into each and every sentence?

Sure, you're a mature almost legal professional with none of the juvenile interest in prurient matters that would make hearing the phrase "Representative Weiner" seem hilarious to you. I'll let you keep pretending that you don't still use "your mom" jokes in everyday conversations.

Penis.

Guest Submission: Reclaim Your Life

Hey folks - this is the first of the guest submissions.  This is brought to you by "MLU" MLU is taking BarBri for the Texas exam.  That's one of those crazy, three-dayers, right?  And MLU attended school in California.  Points for not taking that bar.  MLU has a blog.  Check it out at: http://mylegalunion.blogspot.com/

It's only week two of Barbri, but already, your life has been taken over. Consider yourself pwned. And then, next time you're sitting in class, consider these five ways to reclaim your life:

1. Arbitrarily unfriend a few Facebook friends. Talk about a power trip. Shelby - GOODBYE. Miriam - DELETE. Matt - POW POW. Who's in control now?! (Well, probably still Barbri, but it's a start.)

2. Wash your hands. Barbri may go all "Fifth Amendment taking" on your soul, but don't let it condemn your hygiene. Go ahead and wash your hands on that next ten-minute break. Maybe even use some soap. Live a little.

3. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, laugh at the professor's corny jokes. Don't do it. Just. Don't. Do. It. They're not even that funny. Okay, except for the one about Joan Rivers not being a natural person . . . and that other one about Bill Clinton's movie "Waiting to Inhale" . . .

4. When you find yourself analyzing real-life scenarios for possible claims - outside of class! - hit yourself in the head. Better yet, hit your funny bone against the nearest hard object. And don't ever do that out-of-class analysis ever again. It's not funny.

5. Start calling it "Barfbri." If you can't beat it, insult it. You'll feel better.


DO YOU WANT TO WRITE A GUEST SUBMISSION?  E-MAIL US AT StuffToDoDuringBarBri@gmail.com.

Get Your Shop On

For those of you taking the New York class, things are probably settling in nicely.  You're learning torts from the weirdo who doesn't use an outline - don't worry, that will make more sense once you've filled in the blanks in an outline.  Until you get to DomRel of course. 

So you're in class and you're taking notes furiously.  That's gonna stop.  It stopped for us.  We were so bored, we got on group gchat.  And someone said, "The website StuffToDoDuringBarBri.com should really exist."  This domain was free, so we went with that instead.  And never looked back.  Just fill in the blanks and you'll be fine.

Now you need to know what to do.  Your first instinct is correct.  Run up more debt.  Go shopping.  There are plenty of fun ways to buy things that might be useful while in class.  For starters, you're not going to cook again for the next two months.  So get a Groupon.  It will make you feel good about eating in fancy restaurants while saving $10 per meal.  That's something.  And if you haven't bought a Groupon before, you should totally sign up through that, or this, link.

But food's not the only thing.  You need something for the evenings.  Amazon has an adult section.  With some decent sales.  It's quite the way to de-stress.  Just don't break any laws - you still have to pass character and fitness. 

There's also clothing shopping.  While it appears that Brooks Brothers has the occasional sale and Jos. A. Bank occasionally doesn't, those stores are out of your league.  (For what it's worth, I'm as shocked that Jos. A. Bank is a clothing store as I am that Sneaker Deposit is a bank).  No, you need to wear clothing that fits your current status - and you can only find that on Craig's List.  You can get person items, paintball t-shirts, wedding dresses, and a whole lot more. 

You can also use Craig's List to find someone to share that amazon purchase with, after a nice night out using your groupon. 

BarBri sucks - live a little. 

Study Hard, Play Hard, and Write Blog Posts During Class

We, the writers of this blog, Type A-Minus, Doodie, and myself, the Breacher, have failed you.  And that's mostly because this blog has no billing code and/or will not get us a job.  We have not posted since February, and have not posted in earnest since the bar exam.  And that's mostly because now we need money in order to eat. 

Therefore, we are looking for a few good writers who can carry on the Stuff to do During BarBri tradition.  Start by sending us a guest posting via e-mail: stufftododuringbarbri@gmail.com.  We will post it.  If you show some commitment and send us one or two, we'll be in touch about getting you an account to post to the blog. 

What's in it for you?  Nothing.  Except the joy of having your posts read by the masses depressed J.D.'s studying for the bar exam.  And you'll have something to do during the mind-numbing lectures.  Send us a guest submission and we'll get you going.  If we get more than four, we'll figure out a way to pick among you.  But I doubt we will.

We won't stop posting; at least not more than we're already not posting.  But you'll definitely be the star of the show.  C'mon people - we all passed two bars while writing this blog, and have since vowed never to pass one again (without going in for a drink).  You can do it too. 

Oh, Hey - Look, It's Bar Exam Time

Across the country people are going to begin a process they already know.  It is a process they already know they cannot succeed at.  Or at least, didn't succeed at last time.

IT'S BAR EXAM DAY!!!  YAYAYAYAY!!!

Sorry we didn't entertain you the way we entertained ourselves.  But, for words of inspiration, see our posts from July:

KICK ASS

by The Breacher

 

BE AFRAID, BE VERY AFRAID

by Doodie

(just change July references to February, and vice versa)

Use a Tactical Pen During Practice Exams

If you are taking the bar exam for the second, third, fourth, or fifth time, you're probably feeling frustrated. You need something to invigorate your studying and somehow imbue you with new skills and confidence. Enter the tactical pen.

You might remember tactical writing instruments from kindergarten disputes that got out of control and ended with ink or graphite bits lodged in someone's 6-year-old arm (news coverage of these events in Atlanta, Iowa, Indiana). Or maybe you had a young client who got tired of the legal advice he received from Yahoo! Answers and availed himself of your school's juvenile legal clinic. Maybe you even experienced a traumatic pencil- or pen-related injury as a child and have turned to the Facebook group, "People for the Prevention of Pencil Point Injuries," to cope.

I urge you to look beyond your past experiences and think about the future: the tactical writing instrument in YOUR HANDS . . .

during the bar exam. If Jason Bourne can do that much damage with a mere pen, think about how much damage you could do to commercial paper and civil procedure.

Just ask the makers of Tuff-Writer Tactical Pens:

"From Marines hunting terrorists in burning deserts, SAR expeditions in bone chilling mountains, SWAT officers executing high risk warrant service, EMTs functioning in extreme conditions, or a civilian working in a non-permissive environment. All of these special operations groups have something in common - they all require a pen that they can depend on. "

Consider the bar exam testing facility a "non-permissive environment."

Now, depending on your political views on tactical pen control, you might think that tactical pens should only be placed in the hands of trained experts.

Thankfully, these guys are here to help YOU become an expert in time for the exam!

The tactical pen can increase your fitness level, your self-confidence going into the exam and can even boost your positive impact on the world by donating to breast cancer (pink AND deadly)!

*Poster disclaims all liability for any untrained use of pink tactical pens against bar exam administrators.

Keep Track of Your Stuff

The February exam sucks.  My guess is that there are four categories of you people taking the February exam: (1) those who just graduated, mostly going to school part time; (2) those who took July, passed, and want to be licensed and a second, third, and/or fourth jurisdiction; (3) those who failed July and still want to be a lawyer OH SO BAD; and (4) those who missed the deadline to register in July and have been making excuses for the past few months but are now back in the legal saddle.

What most of you have in common is that you're working - either because you went to law school part time or because you need to wait tables because you're student loan bills are coming do.  And that means you're going to school and studying in addition to doing something else.  And that means you're going to lose stuff.  Don't.  There's nothing worse than writing out by hand 150 index cards describing the prima facie elements of every tort, along with exceptions, and leaving them for some homeless guy at the coffee shop.  Or taking a $50 cab ride back to the class location to pick up your keys that you left on the desk.  Or realizing that your prosthetic limbs aren't where you thought they were.

Well, there is one thing worse than all that.  Losing your pet snake on the train.  Like this lady:

The woman who says she lost her pet snake on the Red Line Thursday has turned to Craigslist in an effort to recover it.

In a post on the online classified ad site headed "penelope- lost snake (T-between park and andrew)" the woman wrote that her snake "is a very mellow snake- never hisses or bites and is very timid. she is a bit under 3 feet long with a brownish, almost pinkish paisley looking pattern on her back. she is 3 years old and i've had her since she was 5 days old. if you see her, if you find her- please call me . . .you will be rewarded and will also be a hero. please help!"

She included a phone number and an e-mail address. In an interview, the woman, who asked to be identified only by her first name, Melissa, said she is accustomed to taking Penelope everywhere, and was wearing her around her neck, concealed by a scarf, when she boarded the T Thursday.

She felt for Penelope at multiple points during her trip, she said, and first noticed her missing as she headed outbound on the Red Line in the late morning. MBTA employees helped her look in the car in which she was riding at JFK/UMass, where they held the train for a few minutes, and performed a more exhaustive search at the Braintree terminus, walking through each of the six train cars and looking under the seats.

Melissa said she considered the search cursory. "For about 20 minutes or so they looked, and they couldn't see her, but they don't realize that no matter how thick she was, she can get into really small places or often under things. You can't really tell. She's related to a ground boa, so she's not likely to climb very high."

She said Penelope belongs to a species known as Dumeril's boa.

"Snakes can get lost in the strangest and smallest places for a very long time before they come out," she said. "The transit authority, they originally asked me if I was hallucinating and if I was on drugs, because I was really frantic looking for her." She said the snake was her and her husband's "dearest pet."

She said people should not be afraid if they encounter Penelope. "If they come across her in a train car, they don't have to be scared about picking her up. I know that people are really squeamish. She's never bitten anyone, she never hisses, she's not aggressive at all."

MBTA officials believe the trains are snake-free, and that passengers should not be concerned, spokesman Joe Pesaturo said.

Quoted from http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2011/01/woman_seeks_hel.html
 
For crying out loud, keep track of your shit. And don't ask for help looking for it from Craig's List.  I can't wait for Mr. Samuel L. Jackson's new sequel: Boa's on a Train!

Life Sucks ... For You!

Hello February 2011 Bar Exam Takers.  I'm sorry that you don't get a January or February this year.  I'm also sorry that you probably didn't get a "2010 5771 holiday season" either.  I'm also really sorry for 80% of you that you already failed the bar exam once.

You're studying for the bar.  Which means your life sucks.  And we're here to help.  Because we already studied for and passed the bar.  And we're unemployed lawyers.  Which means our life doesn't suck as much as yours, although it still sucks a lot.  We just have ways to cope. 

We started this blog as four students sitting next to each other in a New York Exam BarBri class.  We all became proficient at filling in the blanks (a skill surprisingly irrelevant for actually passing the bar exam) and decided that we needed to do something else to occupy our time.  So we started this blog to figure out stuff to do during BarBri.  It should give you stuff to do during BarBri too.

Now we're three busy people (one dropped off the face of the earth and got an ipad) without any real motivation to do anything.  But we'll do our best to post when we can. 

If someone sends us a New York paced program for February, here, we'll do our best to make fun of your "teachers."  Also, if you get bored during class, and you know you will, feel free to e-mail in a guest submission of stuff to do during BarBri and we'll be sure to post it for you.  Follow us on twitter and fan us on facebook.  Hell, add us to your Google Reader subscription.  Spread the word, it'll make this miserable two-month experience a modicum less miserable.

Thanks and enjoy!!

Note to self: buy stock in index cards.

Real Americans Celebrate Kwanzaa

Americans are exceptional. As in, we celebrate an exceptional number of holidays. The holiday of Kwanzaa is both an exceptionally recent development and an exceptionally controversial one; it is steeped in politics, philosophy, criminal intrigue and higher learning. If all of that sounds boring to you and you just want to figure out what Kwanzaa is about, scroll down to watch Kwanzaabot's (Coolio's) explanation of the holiday.

Since the late 1960s, Americans have celebrated the Pan-African holiday of Kwanzaa from December 26 to January 1. The name Kwanzaa comes from the Swahili term, "matunda ya kwanza" or "first fruits of the harvest" in English and has as its goal the reaffirmation and restoration of African-American connections to traditional African communitarian culture. Kwanzaa is actually celebrated in a few other countries, but those countries complain that it's really a celebration of African-American culture and is therefore yet another instance of American hegemony. What they meant to say that it is one of many pieces of evidence that point to African-American American exceptionalism.

As holidays go, however, I have to question the placement of a holiday celebrating African-American heritage in the United States after the 25th day of Kislev and during the 12 days of Christmas. Sure, it means that yearly Christmas cards can have Kwanzaa stamps on them, but strategically someone should have seen 1976's Black History Month coming when historian Carter Woodson designated a week in February as "Negro History Week" in 1926 in honor of Abraham Lincoln and Frederick Douglass's birthdays and planned accordingly.

But I digress. This post is really about learning the history of a holiday.

While most people give Black Power movements props for harnessing black nationalism and using it to cause social and cultural change in the United States, fewer people know that they also had a hand in creating Kwanzaa.

Ronald McKinley Everett, later better known by his Swahili name, Maulana Ron Karenga, was a prominent figure in the Black Power movement, writing his first Ph.D. dissertation on African-American nationalism and his second Ph.D. dissertation on classical African morality, using Egypt as his guide.

Dr. Karenga was influenced by Malcom X, Pan-Africanist movements, and was involved in the Black United Front, which included the Black Panthers and Dr. Karenga's US Organization. The Us Organization was devoted to promoting the African-focused humanistic philosophy of Kawaida, but it eventually developed a young subgroup that developed para-military tactics and began to battle with the Black Panthers themselves.

The FBI's counterintelligence staff saw Karenga's appeals to black nationalism as an attempt to divide the United States and create internal conflict. Dr. Karenga landed in jail as a consequence of these para-military tactics based partially on testimony from his ex-wife, but claimed that he was a political victim and came out of prison with the hope that he could convert all African-Americans to his brand of secular humanism.

And so Kwanzaa was born.

The philosophy of Kawaida is based on Ngudo Saba, or 7 principles:

1. Umoja (Unity) - in family/community/nation/race
   
2. Kujichagulia (Self-Determination) - in name/creation/speech
   
3. Ujima (Collective Work and Responsibility) - in working together to solve each other's problems
   
4. Ujamaa (Cooperative Economics) - build and maintain businesses and profit from them together
   
5. Nia (Purpose) - to restore the African diaspora to its traditional greatness
   
6. Kuumba (Creativity) - to leave the community better than it was before we existed
   
7. Imani (Faith) - to believe in our people/parents/teachers/leaders and the righteousness and victory of our struggle

On each day of Kwanzaa, one of the "mishumaa saba" (seven candles) is lit, and one of the seven principles is the focus. The candles are black (people), red (struggle) or green (future and hope) and gifts reflect learning and African heritage. The first candle lit on the first day of Kwanzaa is the black candle, symbolizing that the people should come before everything else. Meditation and feasting closes out the festivities.

As promised, here is Kwanzaabot (Coolio):

Futurama
Hermes' Kwanzaa Party
www.comedycentral.com
Funny Jokes It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Ugly Americans

Mama Needs a New Pair of Shoes

I'm going to do a post about the holiday of Jesusmas at some point, but before I get there, I wanted everyone to enjoy my favorite holiday song.  We'll talk soon.

Learn the History of a Holiday*

December is a month of holidays. Some celebrate arbitrary divisions, cult leaders with great postmortem press, the Angolan currency, or shitty hotels.

These are all great holidays, but today I am going to talk about Hanukkah [Pronounced: clear throat·nuk·kah]. Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days in December. Nobody knows exactly which eight days, because calendars are hard to read, apparently. Except in the America, Hanukkah celebrations are pretty weak, although you are expected to play with fire. In America, Jews have parties, put up lots of decorations, and give their children gifts. This is so their children don't see exciting Christmas celebrations and realize the moral and cultural superiority of the American majority. They also play an excellent drinking game, which we described here.

Hanukkah celebrates the reconsecration of the Second Temple in Jerusalem in 165 BCE. In the 2nd century BCE, Jerusalem came under the control of the Seleucid Greek Empire. The Jews revolted, and in 165 BCE the Hebrew Hammer (Judas Maccabeus) kicked the Seleucids out of Jerusalem and established the nation of Israel. Since that time, the Jews have lived in peace and harmony with their neighbors, free from foreign interference, war, and prejudice.

The victorious Jews only had one day worth of oil to keep the Temple's eternal flame burning. But this oil miraculously lasted eight days, which is how long it took to get more oil. It may seem odd to us today that oil would be important in the Middle East, but things were different back then.

*The accuracy of this post compares favorably to our predictions on when the Mass. bar results would get posted.

Spend One Dollar

The lady and I are having a small Chanukah gathering and have asked everyone to bring a one dollar ($1) grab bag gift.  Evidently you get points in life if you can stretch a dollar the furthest.

I'm using my Amazon Prime (which you can get for free if you have a .edu address that's not an alumni address) to find a gift that will ship for free that's $1 or less.  So far, the best item I'm not buying is:

It's available on Amazon here for 92 cents. 

I need your help - because if I don't get it, I'm just buying a scratch ticket.  What do you think I should buy that is less than a dollar?

Engage the Crazies

I was sitting there reading the New Yorker, when I came upon this article.

Climate-change legislation in the new Congress

I didn't so much come upon it, but rather it was the first article in the magazine.  It talks about the Republican and Tea Bag refusal to accept scientific evidence of global warming.

So you're clear on where I stand on this issue, I'm not asking for laws requiring everyone to drive hybrid cars.  I'm not asking for laws prohibiting all carbon emissions - or even severely limiting them (cap and trade makes some sense to me).  I am asking that you at least let scientists who can prove global warming say so.  And let them present evidence that might convince me to buy a hybrid car.  Not to villainize them for reasons beyond comprehension.

My favorite part of this article:

[Rep.] John Shimkus, of Illinois, is one of four members now vying for the chairmanship of the House Committee on Energy and Commerce. At a congressional hearing in 2009, he dismissed the dangers of climate change by quoting Genesis 8:22: “As long as the earth endures, seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night will never cease.” He added, “I believe that’s the infallible word of God, and that’s the way it’s going to be for His creation.” 

I like Genesis.  My bar mitzvah portion was from Genesis.  This is absurd.

My prayer?  God help the US of A not destroy the world.

Iron Your Suit (Buy an Iron)

MA is sending out emails assigning the official swearing in dates and times. The options are 9 a.m.-12 p.m. and 1 p.m.-3 p.m., and the assignment appears to be based on alphabetical order. (These emails are proof that MA BBE is just lazy and/or full of Luddites.)

After you receive your email, you will remember that you have not had the best personal hygiene due to your obsession with predicting the impending doom of bar failure, and your suits are all crumpled in the bottom of your closet.

While you may be able to pull off the wrinkled look with panache, those of us who cannot carry it off should be buying professional grade irons or spending the $ on that sketchy dry cleaning place on the corner.



Or, if you would prefer to screw it and become the stuff of bar swearing-in ceremony legend, just wear this:

Be Wary of the Pre-Official NY Bar Results

Not saying that there is no possible way for the results to be accurate, but the results posted on Above the Law list several people who failed the MA bar exam and somehow still passed the NY bar exam (if the results are real).

Reliability officially questioned.

Edit: Get your BOLE ID ready and enter it here --> https://www.nybarapply.org/bresults/bresults.asp

Edit: I got my official email - according to http://www.nybarexam.org/ you should be getting yours soon . . . .

"Notice to July 2010 Bar Examination Candidates

Results of the July 2010 bar examination are being emailed to candidates beginning on November 5, 2010. It could take up to 24 hours for your results to be received and delivered by your email system. If you have not received your results by 9:00AM on Monday, November 8, you may fax a request to the Board for a duplicate letter. Please include a current, working email address. You may also access your results by clicking here . You will need your BOLE ID. If you were successful on the bar exam and certified for admission to the bar, the attachment in the email notice of your results (“Notice of Certification”) must be sent to the Appellate Division as part of your application for admission."

Celebrate Like a Lawyer

It's getting close to crunch time - most of you have just passed the bar or will soon.  Or, if you're in California, most of you will fail the bar soon.  Sorry, but dems the breaks.

Either way, pass or fail, your best bet will be to get super fucked up super quickly.  And the best way to do this as a lawyer is to get drunk.  But not sleepy drunk.  Nobody likes a sleepy drunk. 

Evidently there's a new product on the market that is perfect for bar celebration.  It's called cocaine Four Loko.

This fruit flavored beverage is, as you can see, 11% alcohol.  But evidently that varies per state.  (Can we just, for a moment, think about how absurd it is to have a beverage that has to change its alcoholic content to be legal in various states.  Who understands these laws?  Oh - shit - that's our job.  Fuck.)  It also has caffeine.  So you get fucked up and stay up.  Perfect for either celebrating the reality that if you're lucky you'll review documents 80 hours a week for the next six years or celebrating the reality that you can put that off for another six months - or both.  In fact, this might be perfect to get you through document review. 

As I'm sure you know, however, the public outcry has been insane.  Evidently we have a reader who is a student at Boston University, which also cried out about Four Loko.  The letter sent to the entire "community" is printed below.  My additions are in red.

Dear Friends,


We want to pass along this important message about a potentially dangerous alcohol drink that has received some national press recently. We share this information first because we know you don't read the news and also so that you can continue to make smart choices about your personal health and safety while at Boston University.  And if there's time, to decide to transfer to Harvard.



There has been much fanfare recently about a fruity malt liquor called “Four Loko” and the attendant side effects which have been referred to as,! “Blackout in a can.”  [What is that ! random exclamation point?] Alcohol companies are targeting college students with these products without regard for your safety but with ample regard for your amusement. National attention has been focused on this particular beverage because of a couple of very troubling incidents at Central Washington University and Ramapo College in Northern New Jersey where students clearly don't know how to hold their liquor.


We want to take this opportunity to provide you with some information about caffeinated alcoholic beverages and about mixing caffeine and alcohol in an effort to aid you in your decision making. Mixing alcohol and caffeine is not a new concept, but the recent cases involving students who were hospitalized after drinking beverages combining the two in a large can, is a cause for concern across college campuses and elsewhere around the co! untry. Please pardon my random exclamation point. At the request of 18 attorney generals, or 18 attorneys general, the Food and Drug Administration is reviewing whether the drinks are safe.  But since the FDA already approved lots of other things that are bad for you, don't worry.  You'll still be able to find this amazing beverage. 


Four Loko is one brilliant example of a caffeinated alcoholic fruit punch beverage. The 23 ounce can of this drink contains an equivalent amount of alcohol to four 12 ounce beers and 156 milligrams of caffeine. So you know, a five hour energy has 138 mg, a 12 oz. diet coke has 45 mg, a red bull has 80 mg, and a grande starbucks coffee has 330 mg. The danger here is not just the alcohol content but rather, the combination of high amounts of alcohol and caffeine. And that you had no idea that starbucks coffee had that much caffeine.


Drinking high amounts of caffeine can cause symptoms like rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath,! BAM, I'm Emeril, dizziness, feeling jittery and nausea. When consumed in combination wi! th BAM alcohol, caffeine may produce the feeling of being “wide awake” despite the fact that one may be intoxicated on alcohol. This is a perfect combination for having a party while studying for finals. The fact that the depressant effects of alcohol are mitigated by the caffeine may lead people to continue to drink alcohol and thereby become dangerously drunk. Law school might do the same thing.



We strongly recommend that you steer clear of these types of drinks and from mixing alcohol with other caffeine containing beverages. Use soda water instead. It has fewer calories. We also recommend that you avoid mixing other substances with alcohol as a general rule. Everyone knows that vodka tastes better straight anyway. Unless it's from a plastic bottle. Then mix it with whatever cheap juice you have. Boston University is concerned for your personal safety and we hope that you will use this information to make wise health choice! s. BAM.



With best regards for your drunk and awake future,


REDACTED, Director, Student Health Services


REDACTED, Chief of Police