Write The Perfect Ad

Lawyer ads in New York are nothing new:

But me learning the rules for lawyer ads in New York is something new.  And these are confusing and complicated.  Especially for solicitations.  So here's my question.  What's wrong with the following ad sent to someone I saw get hit by a car from my solo practitionership:

I know that you asked us, Breacher, Spitzer, Obama, & Clinton, Inc., never to contact you again, but we will represent you and we promise that you'll win.  If you don't hire us, you'll need a lawyer to sue us for killing your child.  Our address is 123 Smith Street, Ye Olde New York, NY.  Sign and return the attached retainer.  This is not advice to be ignored.

Post the problems in the comments.