From "DJ Effs-A-Lot"*:
If you're like me, you lie awake all night obsessively contemplating your own mortality, silently counting down the few minutes you have left Earth and cursing yourself for your many poor life decisions. So many... so poor...
But sometimes that negative-feedback loop gets monotonous. It's time to remind yourself of how little life you have left to live, courtesy of WebMD's Symptom Checker. Using this handy tool is simple: compile every ache, pain, and disturbing rash you currently have, enter them into the Symptom Checker and prepare to die.
Here's a small sampling of common law school-related symptoms and their disfiguring and fatal medical causes:
Wake up with a little neck pain? Good God, woman, you have VIRAL MENINGITIS - run out of class and into an emergency room.
So you've packed on some pounds over the last three years... So what? According to WebMD, this isn't just standard American-style obesity. Dude, you have CUSHING'S DISEASE, a rare hormonal problem caused by excessive amounts of cortisol in the body. Did you know it's fatal? Oh, of course it is.
This author currently suffers from reduced productivity, short attention span and social withdrawl. BAM SCHIZOAFFECTIVE DISORDER! It's like schizophrenia... only worse. Wonder if I should have disclosed that on the ol' moral character application. Fingers crossed for getting disqualified!
Take a few minutes out of your busy BarBri schedule to learn of your imminent, painful and embarrassing demise. You have to die at some point, PLEASE LORD LET IT HAPPEN BEFORE LATE JULY.
But sometimes that negative-feedback loop gets monotonous. It's time to remind yourself of how little life you have left to live, courtesy of WebMD's Symptom Checker. Using this handy tool is simple: compile every ache, pain, and disturbing rash you currently have, enter them into the Symptom Checker and prepare to die.
Here's a small sampling of common law school-related symptoms and their disfiguring and fatal medical causes:
Wake up with a little neck pain? Good God, woman, you have VIRAL MENINGITIS - run out of class and into an emergency room.
So you've packed on some pounds over the last three years... So what? According to WebMD, this isn't just standard American-style obesity. Dude, you have CUSHING'S DISEASE, a rare hormonal problem caused by excessive amounts of cortisol in the body. Did you know it's fatal? Oh, of course it is.
This author currently suffers from reduced productivity, short attention span and social withdrawl. BAM SCHIZOAFFECTIVE DISORDER! It's like schizophrenia... only worse. Wonder if I should have disclosed that on the ol' moral character application. Fingers crossed for getting disqualified!
Take a few minutes out of your busy BarBri schedule to learn of your imminent, painful and embarrassing demise. You have to die at some point, PLEASE LORD LET IT HAPPEN BEFORE LATE JULY.
*Names may or may not have been changed.
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