Use Your Rights

The current Supreme Court is all about protecting rights, like the right to assemble without government interference or the right to remain silent. Not like those fascist bastards who preceded them on the Court.

A few weeks ago, the Supremes recognized another right. Actually, they recognized it two years ago, but they just applied it to most people this year. This delay is because the US is a federal system. This, of course, means that states can do certain things without interference from the federal government. Unless the federal government really wants to stop those things or do them itself. Then it will. And if the states don't like it? Well, we all know how that ends. Fortunately for the states, Congress is lazy and inefficient, so they still have lots of stuff to do.

The right I am referring to is, of course, the right to bear arms. Charlton Heston be praised! Apparently, this is a long-established right, which, for some reason, has been ignored for years. But who cares? You can now buy guns. Lots of guns.

There are many reasons to buy guns. First, guns are fun. Destroying things is fun, and guns make this easy and effective. Second, they make you feel powerful. This should probably not be confused with feeling safe. Guns aren't all that safe, especially if you really want to have fun. Because that would involve shooting things that blow up and drinking. Third, guns make people fear you. This can coincide with fun, but it is also useful. To quote one of Chicago's finest: "You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." Finally, guns can be useful when the zombie apocalypse comes. Or in some other post-apocalyptic world.

Yes, I know some people have mentioned hunting and self-defense. That's just BS, like most of the arguments self-interested fanatics make. Besides, those are pretty much covered by fun and scaring people.

Now that I have convinced you to exercise your newly created announced right to own guns, you may be asking: "How can I use this right?" The answer is to buy guns. Even better, use the interwebs to buy guns during Barbri. Unfortunately, Craigslist is not as useful as usual when it comes to guns. Probably because it is run by godless commies like all the other websites ending in .org. But a quick Google search will find all sorts of reputable dealers willing to sell you a constitutional right.

A nice .22 pistol like this one is a good starting point. .22 pistols are relatively cheap to buy and shoot, reliable, and easy to shoot. Great for beginners. This one is the perfect size to slip into your pocket before heading out to the bar (drink, not fail). Or you can upgrade to something a bit less practical, like this.

.22s are nice, but you also need something with kick. The Colt .45 1911 is a classic. Here's one! Or you can go for something bigger and more modern, like a Desert Eagle. If it's good enough for the IDF, it's good enough for me.

You should also probably get a rifle. They are very useful for shooting zombies at long range. And it is best to stay far away from things that want to eat your brain. This is a decent zombie shooter. But its cousin is better; the best, in fact. And everyone will recognize it. Even people who don't like freedom.

But you should hurry. If one of the new four horsemen, or the swing, kicks the bucket in the next couple years, you will probably have to join a militia to exercise this "right".