Perform Creative Abortions

There are those that are pro-life/anti-choice and those that are pro-choice.  I fall into a different category.  I'm pro-abortion.  This world is overpopulated enough already, right?  As you know, we love lists.  So here is a list or step-by-step guide for creative ways to perform abortions.

7. Use Tools From Home Depot
Turns out you're pregnant.  Or your girlfriend/wife/friend's mother/friend's girlfriend/transgender dad/transgender boyfriend is pregnant.  Look around your house.  You're not going to find any effective tools.  That Hoover?  No it's too wide and flat to be effective.  What you need a specially made tool for the job.  You need the Dyson DC31 Animal Handheld Vacuum Cleaner.  Here's a picture:

6. Push the Lady Off the Roof
What?  That didn't work?  Or you were scared that the bagless system would leave too much of a mess?  You're probably correct.  What next?  Push the preggo off the roof, or if you're the lucky one yourself, jump off the roof:

5. Scare the Lady With a Horse

The fall didn't work?  That's fetus is a tough one.  Maybe mom isn't so tough.  This method cannot be performed by the mom-to-be by herself.  However, if you're lucky, maybe mom is like Ms. Mitchell of Mitchell v. Rochester Railway.  In that case, on April Fools day in 1891, Ms. Mitchell was standing at a street corner when a team of horses came running up at her.  She wasn't hit by the horses because they stopped with her head between the heads of the first two horses.  If she had been six inches to the right or left she would have been kissing mare [link NSFW].  

Why does this matter?

She testified that from fright and excitement caused by the approach and proximity of the team she became unconscious, and also that the result was a miscarriage and consequent illness. Medical testimony was given to the effect that the mental shock which she then received was sufficient to produce that result.

So get your horses ready and run them right up to her.  But, beware, she might be able to sue you for negligent infliction of emotional distress.  But not in New York if this case is still good law.

4. Jousting
If the horses don't do the trick you both still have options.  Don't worry.  Dad-to-be could punch her in the stomach, but this post is about creative methods of abortion, not typical ones.  Instead take her to Medieval Times and put her up on that horse.  Pay off the bad knight to joust her in the stomach.  Mom - don't block at all.  If the jousting stick thingie lance goes all the way through you're golden.  If she's wearing the pregnant lady's armor, you're screwed.  This is frustrating.

Don't do this:

3. Pray

This method is almost as effective as the pull-out and rhythm methods of birth control.  Which is probably how you got mixed up in this in the first place.  Good luck.  Maybe God will be on your side this time.  But probably not.

2. Flush the Baby Down the Toilet
All else has failed.  You're going to be a parent.  Congrats?  Not so much?  You should follow the lead of this twenty-two year old Indian woman who gave birth on an airplane.  According to news reports she tried to flush the baby down the toilet, its head got stuck, she went back to her seat, and nobody discovered the baby until the plane landed.  At that point they removed the toilet and baby from the plane and took her to the hospital.

I thought this was something new.  Turns out it isn't:

• March 2009
• April 2008
• August 2007
• November 2006 - this one was an "accident."

1. Abandon and Expose
So I guess there's still some chance that the child survived.  The doctors got to it in time.  If that happens, leave it by the side of the road, at a convent, in a dumpster, or with your mother-in-law.  You'll never see the kid again.  Maybe it'll be raised by wolves and end up taking over an empire one day.  Who knows?

Good luck!