Prepare for the End

The apocalypse is coming! That's right, kids, The End is near. Now, as the prophets in Hollywood have foretold, The End could come in many ways. A zombie infection seems to be the most likely at the moment. Not those slow, stupid zombies from Night of the Living Dead. No, we are talking about fast, athletic zombies. Zombies that can track movements and figure out where the remaining humans are. Other sorts of infections are also possible. Sudden outbreaks of hemorrhagic fever, a mutant flu virus, dysentery (OK, that last one is less common. Unless you are playing Oregon Trail. But imagine how fast a mass outbreak of dysentery could overwhelm our underfunded sewerage infrastructure.). These outbreaks originate either in the labs of an evil pharmaceutical corporation, or in Africa, and then spread by an evil pharmaceutical corporation. Those damn pharmaceutical companies and their pills.

An environmental disaster is also a strong possibility. Imagine being chased by a sudden ice age, brought on by global warming. Or swallowed by rising seas, also triggered by global warming. Or dying of starvation because global warming destroyed all our crops. Global warming = death, people. Blame the sun.

Nuclear war used to be a major threat. The US and USSR were going to throw nukes at each other, killing everything in their path, and then sinking the world into nuclear winter. This seems less likely now, at least until the new cold war between the US and China truly kicks off. Hurry up and build up your nuclear arsenal, China, Hollywood needs new enemies. The nuclear winter could still happen, I guess. I'm looking at you, India and Pakistan.

Then there are the Acts of God and invasions. Hollywood seems pretty worried about asteroids. Fortunately, these generally are diverted before they can bring on The End. Some people die in the shrapnel, but that's life. Volcanoes, tsunamis, and earthquakes are also possible. These are best used in combination, and in conjunction with some sort of ancient, obscure prophecy. Let's not forget invasions by aliens, a Hollywood staple. Same goes for wars against computers or machines.

There are a few different ways to survive The End or in a post-apocalyptic world (you want to do both). Hollywood appears to have some rules. The first is be white. This is not as powerful as it once was, but minorities still seem to have lower survival odds. You could be a kid. Cute kids never seem to die, despite their best efforts. The same goes for annoying kids. Hollywood can't seem to distinguish between the two. Or you could be the person who befriends and helps the annoying kid. This occasionally backfires when you die near the end, so they can show the kid being emotional. Hollywood loves bad acting. It will at least buy you some time. A better bet is to love and be loved by the main character. Best of all is actually being the main character. This involves being great looking, charming, acting like a hero, and saying smart, witty things all the time.

Hollywood survival techniques are probably not your best bet. If your law school is like mine, chances are pretty good you are white, but that's about all you have. I am sure you were annoying as a kid, and probably still are, but you haven't aged well. You also hate kids, and kids hate you, so befriending one is probably not in the cards. The main character is not going to fall in love with you. You could barely get laid in law school. No non-law hero is going to fall for you. Finally, you are definitely not the main character. You have never, in any situation, been the main character.

It is time to take matters into your own hands. Let's call this the Montana Militia Option. You should begin your preparations now, during Barbri. First, you need to buy guns, lots of guns, and more ammo than you can possibly use. You can do this online. Seriously. Next you should build a bomb shelter/block house to store your weapons. Something that will survive a nuclear explosion and can then be used as a fort. Stock that fort with food and water. Maybe even dig a well. Practice shooting zombies. Next, you should connect with other crazies who are preparing for The End. Allies are good.

Eventually, you will want to move to somewhere secluded, like Montana, with your new-found allies. You can't really do this during Barbri, but by the time you get to this point, you will already have failed the bar. And if you don't get in a shootout with the feds before The End begins, you will have a good chance of survival. Much better than your law school friends, who will still probably be living with their parents waiting for their "deferral" to end. Seems like a small price to pay to be one of the chosen few who reestablishes the human race.