Determine Why You Are Cursed

Today, you are sitting in a classroom watching a movie. It is not a good movie. In fact, it is painfully boring, filled with information that you will never use, because you will never have enough assets to make a will worthwhile. This afternoon, you will study some other annoying subject, and stress about how little you know. You did the same thing yesterday. While LeBron was telling the world on live television where he was going to make millions of dollars and nail groupies/strippers, you were looking at Civil Practice flashcards and crying. And what will you do this weekend? More goddamn flash cards.

God hates you. Or the gods hate you. Or you have angered the spirits. Or the Flying Spaghetti Monster hates you. Whatever. Somebody hates you. And not just your friends and family, somebody with power. You have been cursed. It is time to figure out why, in the hopes that you can correct it.

This may be difficult. First, you don't actually know which powerful being(s) you have angered. There are a lot of possibilities. Religious beings, old and new. Beings from religions that haven't been invented yet. The Matrix. You get the point. You simply cannot go through every possibility.

So you should try some generic things. Let's make a list:

1. Determine if you are a generally bad person. You know, murdering people, stealing kid's Halloween candy, clubbing baby seals, etc. Stop. Unless you really enjoy them.
   
2. Make a list of your annoying habits/traits. If I described what you are doing accurately, or you can see yourself doing this in the next few years, you have a lot. Then try to change these habits. I know, making self-improvement lists is annoying.
3. Stop saying things like goddamn. Blasphemy is bad.
4. Speak in tongues and play with snakes.
5. Sacrifice a goat. Unless you are already doing this for fun, then just take it seriously.
6. Cry. You are probably still cursed. Suckers.