Defend Unpopular Groups

There are lots of unpopular groups. Law students, for example. But here in America, we embrace diversity. Our beloved Constitution protects these groups. They can speak their views, assemble, and own guns.

Unpopular groups could use more support, however, because they are unpopular. You need to waste some time. Seems like a good match. Why not offer some suppor?. I wouldn't do something stupid like donate money. Even if it is government money, you don't have a lot of it, so keep it for your medication of choice (alcohol, Adderall, paint thinner, etc.). Unless you are a trust fund child, then donate away. D-bag.

First, you need to identify popular groups. Then think of the good things they have to offer. Finally, tell others! Here are a few groups that could use some love.

1. Rednecks. Rednecks get a bad rap. People think they are dirty, ignorant bigots. There are rumors of "kissing cousins" and bad teeth (not English bad, but bad). These things may be true, but that is not all there is to rednecks. Rednecks also do good things. Rednecks love their country, have strong family and community ties, and might be mining the coal that helps keep our planet nice and warm. Most importantly, rednecks are well-known for increasing America's meager alcohol production, lowering the costs for everyone. Now that's a contribution.

2. White Trash. There is a lot of crossover with number one, I know. There are some differences, however. White trash tends to live more in the Midwest. Their family ties are less strong, at least on the paternal side. And they have have some different contributions. White trash helps make your local Walmart the beautiful, exotic environment you know and love, and their trailer parks attract tornadoes, preserving wealthier city-dwellers. White trash also produce vast quantities of meth, for those times when Adderall and coffee just aren't doing the trick.

3. Hippies. Hippies are the mortal enemies of rednecks. The law tends to side with hippies when the two groups conflict, probably because rednecks would quickly wipe the hippies out if left to their own devices. Hippies are often maligned as lazy, stoned, trust-fund children. They do have some redeeming qualities, though. Hippies bring attention to silly, inconsequential causes that would otherwise get overlooked. More importantly, they make all the non-hippies around them look better dressed and more hygienic. Good stuff for those of us without a sense of style.

4. Crackheads. These poor people get a lot of shit. They get arrested, ripped off by dealers, and are generally distrusted by society at large. But does anyone remember to thank them for their comedic value? They get a lot of use: Dave Chappelle's Tyrone Biggums, Friday's Ezal, Howard Stern's Crackhead Bob. Such easy targets are hard to come by. We should all be thankful, cinema would be even worse without them.

5. Poles. No, not the wooden things that hold up sheds, people from Poland. Like crackheads, the Poles get a lot of grief, but little thanks for their contributions to comedy. Their country also offers a useful release when Germany and Russia start getting overpopulated.

6. Seal Clubbers. Another much-maligned group. Sealing clubbing is often use as an example of general terribleness. And yet, these clubbers provide delicious seal-meat to the starving masses of dirt-poor Norway, help clothe France's freezing near-homeless, and are an important source of bio-fuels. Most importantly, they provide gigabytes of inspiring images and videos of men braving extreme temperatures and vicious animals to conquer the cold reaches of the globe for humankind. Thank you Norway, Russia, Greenland, Namibia (What, Namibia? OoooK), and, of course, Canuckland.

7. Populists. Populists are people who loudly disagree with your strongly-held beliefs, but are nevertheless capable of garnering money, media attention, and votes. For example, baby-killers like Breacher and I think politicians who pander to pro-overpopulation supporters are populists. Similarly, corporate America's brainwashed drones think the health care communists are populists. And we all hate each other. But populists give voice to America's belligerent ideologues. This may be annoying, but the quiet ideologues are no cup of tea. Most importantly, populists give other populists a target to rant about. Think about that, without populists, populists would have no one to attack. Circular, you say? Don't try to attack me with your elitist, east-coast liberal mumbo-jumbo.

I am sure you can think of others. I realize the French are conspicuously missing; I couldn't think of anything good to say.