Find Love...The Old Fashioned Way

Right about now you're starting to panic, huh?  The stress is creeping in.  You've covered all the MBE topics and can't remember the difference between assault the crime and battery the tort.  (Which reminds me . . . Q: What did the chef do when he was angry? A: He beat the eggs and whipped the cream. Q: What made him angry? A: Dinner wasn't ready.)  And you can't seem to find any way to get rid of that stress.

You know what you need.  A little bit of lovin'.  But not from another bar studier.  That's just asking for frustration and trouble.  No, you need to find somebody new (or figure out another type of battery).

And where better to find someone new than dating sites.  We're going to start with a warm up, before you actually get hurt.  Watch this video and decide who the most datable person is.  If you like men, find someone like him, if you don't, pick the person most like you. 

Let us know who you picked in the comments.

Get Talented (a.k.a. Alternate Career Plan B)

If the "Personal" section of your resume states that you like to play golf/tennis/other upper-class sport or to travel/study languages/photograph things/other non-life threatening activity, you should probably start developing a Plan B. You are boring and no one will remember you.

Dan Mink graduated from law school, passed the bar and went on to practice law. Unlike other attorneys, however, Dan devised a Plan B that would see him through these rough economic times. Dan got talented. Not underwater basket weaving talented - more like shooting guns, throwing knives and roping things talented. You know, talents that really stand out in the "Personal" section of a resume.

Take a boring attorney, throw a western hat, matching boots and western shirt on him and you get an attorney ready to represent a client in rural Texas. If that attorney can sing and has become a World Champion Whip Performer, World Champion Gunspinner, World Champion Knife Performer and Member of the International Knife Thrower's Hall of Fame, you get an attorney who's ready to play Vegas, baby. You get Dan Mink.

Now, add rhinestones to Dan Mink's outfit, and you get a well-received contestant on America's Got Talent! VOTE DAN!

Get Ready for this Jelly (a.k.a. Career Plan B)

Jello is traditionally associated with 1950s housewifery and Mormon potlucks in Utah, but its time to move Jello into the 2000s.

Step 1 - Make the jello - Jello itself is easy enough to make if you go the instant packet route. If you want to be more high-end about it you can make it from scratch and impress the ladies/dudes.

Buy or make a mold, boil some water, add gelatin and then add some other ingredients (sugar, fruits, etc.). Put it in the fridge to set and head to bar review class.

The hard part is making jello not boring. I suggest taking cues from the UK jellymongers duo Bompas & Parr:

a) Make jello from molds of historic buildings (St. Paul's above), Buckingham Palace or the Pyramids

b) That's not impressive enough? Make city- or country-scapes! (San Fran, the U.S.)

c) Make club-worthy jello (glow in the black lights - ow ow!)

d) Add alcohol (a la the Jello Mold Mistress of Brooklyn = rum - mojito, cinnamon schnapps - cherry bomb)

e) Go AVANT GARDE with your jelly, yo!

Step 2 - ???

Step 3 - Profit

It Could Be Worse

Right?

Guest Submission: It Is Never To Early For Sabotage

This is another in our Guest Submission series.  The author of this asked to remain anonymous, which I applaud.  I suggested we call her Ms. Slingshotter, because it's like being a gunner, but more biblical.  She suggested Ms. Hateriffic.  Both are apt.  She's taking the NY BarBri class.

Last week the Barbri student rep announced that some of the students were complaining about being distracted by their classmates' web surfing. I am constantly impressed by how low of an overhead BarBri has managed to keep, while still charging us an obscene amount of money. They don’t even have to pay an employee to go to the classes. Not to mention that their supervision entails a call from the office to check in if they think you’re falling behind on the paced program (those of you who have managed to keep up may not be aware of this, but I was certainly surprised). Unfortunately, the flaw in their plan is that the student rep fails to convey any measure of authority. My initial response to his pleas to keep the web surfing to a minimum was: “If you don’t like what I’m looking at, then quit looking at my screen. It has been three years and if you haven’t learned how to ignore your classmates' screens, or if it is beyond your ADD riddled mind, then get up and move.”

But recently I came up with a different strategy. Instead of helping each other concentrate it is officially time for sabotage! Someone has to fail this test and I would prefer if it weren’t me! Now, I would never actively ruin another student’s chances of passing, but passively? While you’re staring at my computer screen? Absolutely!! I’m just not that great of a person, I am a lawyer after all. I learned early on in my law school career, you don’t have out outrun the bear, just the other guy that way he gets eaten first. So if I can slow him down a bit, well hell, I’m not above it.

So what is my magical unavoidable sabotage material? BOOBS!

I learned long ago while shopping for a Victoria’s Secret Jacket (yes they sell clothing too) during 1L year. I saw a sale on lingerie and clicked without thinking. Suddenly, I could feel the eyes of every guy behind me immediately glued to my screen. It is just a fact, once boobs appear, most classmates cannot help themselves, especially if the alternative is a lecture on Agency by a professor who cant control his inflection.

My new game plan: during those stupid hypos that you inevitably don’t listen to, start bra shopping. Or start daydreaming about your post bar trip to California and start bathing suit shopping ASAP! Hell, if you really want to, leave the site up while filling in those stupid blanks. Suddenly no one knows what they are supposed to write and my chances of passing the NY bar will significantly improve. Thank me later ladies!

New Feature: Class Profile - Virgin Virginia Salad Dressing

The Virginia bar is screwy.  And before you get upset with me, rest assured, I know absolutely nothing about the Virginia bar exam.  Except that you had a day on creditor's rights.  That's screwy, and so is Virginia Law.

Today's lecture was by Professor Jody S. Kraus, and evidently was titled UCC Workshop, which isn't as bad as "creditor's rights" but isn't good either.

One of our twitter followers described Professor Kraus as "old man hot."  You know who else is "old man hot"?  Mr. Salad Dressing.

Now, I don't get to make these decisions all by myself.  Type A-Minus thought he was more of an ad executive type.

So I ask you...who is more right?  Me or Type A-Minus?  Let us know in the comments.  And if you disagree with both of us, let us know that too and we'll add your suggestions to the post.

EDIT:

OOHH, this is the Breacher again, at 11:43 (really, I need to go to bed and use my remote) but I know who I really meant (or also really meant).

This douche bag tried to take away Dr. House's pills in season three (or two? no I think it was three) AND he teaches creditors rights.

Ok, now it's time for bed.  Happy studying.

If you want your class profiled, let us know, and tell us who is teaching that day.  If you want to write a guest submission, do that too.  Either way, twitter us @BarBriStuffToDo or e-mail us at StuffToDoDuringBarBri@gmail.com.

Be That Which You Hate in the World

What was it that Gandhi said?  Be the change you wish to see in the world, or something?  Well, my advice for killing some time while studying for the bar exam is to do the opposite.  Be that which you hate in the world.

I'm doing it, and I'm not even studying for the bar exam any more.  I'm already a freaking lawyer. 

Let me tell you about it.  I was watching TV the other night using my trusty Comcast multi-device remote control.  That's the thing that you're using to hold down pile number 219 of flash cards when opening the windows on a windy day.  One day you'll get to use yours again for watching television, but not until the end of July.  I pushed the TV button on the top, the first step to set the sleep timer (yeah, I also get to sleep sometimes, it's one of the perks of not studying for the bar).  I hit one button, the Cable button flashes, and remote stops working on the TV.  Well, that's not what I want, I want the TV controls to work.  The remote, on the other hand, had a totally different idea. 

So there are a couple of rational solutions.  First, I knew that I got one TV click before the remote went back to working for the cable box only.  So I clicked the TV button, pushed one button on the remote that I needed, pushed the TV button again, pushed the next button I needed, etc. etc.  This only worked for one night.  The next night, I'm about to set the sleep timer, and I decide that I need to fix this stupid thing.  So what are the options?  I know!  I can throw it against the wall.  But that won't actually help.  Instead, I go search the vast interwebs.  After that didn't work, I found an online chat with my trusty Comcast tech support guy, Gandhi Jerome. 

What is the first thing tech support tells you to do?  You know the answer.  I usually know the answer.  If it was a computer, TV, router, cable box, or anything else that plugs in, I would have known the answer.  Turn it off and turn it back on again.  (If you don't click the links, that's called power cycling).  I do that with my phone ten times a day (but in all fairness, that's to see if the welfare office has called yet).  Well, stupid Breacher, I explain my problem, accept the false platitudes of this being his top priority, and, do as Sanjay Jerome says and take the batteries out of the remote, wait three seconds, and put them back in.  Of course it works.

I usually hate the ass holes that need help with the simplest technical repairs.  And I hate it more when tech support asks if I turned the damned device off and back on.  Which is why it infuriates me that I helped perpetuate this cycle of hate.  I am now a self-hating lawyer. 

And I have no excuse because I'm done studying for the bar.  I wished I lived like Gandhi, things sure were easier then. 

Incorporate "Representative Weiner" into Boring Hypotheticals

Okay, so right now you probably feel like punching yourself in the face to stay awake . . . or because you're a sadomasochist. (Whatever floats your boat, just don't date my future children and we're cool.)

Instead of resorting to physical violence, I recommend beating the dead horse that is Representative Weiner's horrible twitter PR mishap. What boring torts hypothetical wouldn't be made more interesting by the careful placement of the two words - "Representative Weiner" - into each and every sentence?

Sure, you're a mature almost legal professional with none of the juvenile interest in prurient matters that would make hearing the phrase "Representative Weiner" seem hilarious to you. I'll let you keep pretending that you don't still use "your mom" jokes in everyday conversations.

Penis.