December is a month of holidays. Some celebrate arbitrary divisions, cult leaders with great postmortem press, the Angolan currency, or shitty hotels.
These are all great holidays, but today I am going to talk about Hanukkah [Pronounced: clear throat·nuk·kah]. Hanukkah is celebrated for eight days in December. Nobody knows exactly which eight days, because calendars are hard to read, apparently. Except in the America, Hanukkah celebrations are pretty weak, although you are expected to play with fire. In America, Jews have parties, put up lots of decorations, and give their children gifts. This is so their children don't see exciting Christmas celebrations and realize the moral and cultural superiority of the American majority. They also play an excellent drinking game, which we described here.
Hanukkah celebrates the reconsecration of the Second Temple in Jerusalem in 165 BCE. In the 2nd century BCE, Jerusalem came under the control of the Seleucid Greek Empire. The Jews revolted, and in 165 BCE the Hebrew Hammer (Judas Maccabeus) kicked the Seleucids out of Jerusalem and established the nation of Israel. Since that time, the Jews have lived in peace and harmony with their neighbors, free from foreign interference, war, and prejudice.
The victorious Jews only had one day worth of oil to keep the Temple's eternal flame burning. But this oil miraculously lasted eight days, which is how long it took to get more oil. It may seem odd to us today that oil would be important in the Middle East, but things were different back then.
*The accuracy of this post compares favorably to our predictions on when the Mass. bar results would get posted.