Celebrate Like a Lawyer

It's getting close to crunch time - most of you have just passed the bar or will soon.  Or, if you're in California, most of you will fail the bar soon.  Sorry, but dems the breaks.

Either way, pass or fail, your best bet will be to get super fucked up super quickly.  And the best way to do this as a lawyer is to get drunk.  But not sleepy drunk.  Nobody likes a sleepy drunk. 

Evidently there's a new product on the market that is perfect for bar celebration.  It's called cocaine Four Loko.

This fruit flavored beverage is, as you can see, 11% alcohol.  But evidently that varies per state.  (Can we just, for a moment, think about how absurd it is to have a beverage that has to change its alcoholic content to be legal in various states.  Who understands these laws?  Oh - shit - that's our job.  Fuck.)  It also has caffeine.  So you get fucked up and stay up.  Perfect for either celebrating the reality that if you're lucky you'll review documents 80 hours a week for the next six years or celebrating the reality that you can put that off for another six months - or both.  In fact, this might be perfect to get you through document review. 

As I'm sure you know, however, the public outcry has been insane.  Evidently we have a reader who is a student at Boston University, which also cried out about Four Loko.  The letter sent to the entire "community" is printed below.  My additions are in red.

Dear Friends,


We want to pass along this important message about a potentially dangerous alcohol drink that has received some national press recently. We share this information first because we know you don't read the news and also so that you can continue to make smart choices about your personal health and safety while at Boston University.  And if there's time, to decide to transfer to Harvard.



There has been much fanfare recently about a fruity malt liquor called “Four Loko” and the attendant side effects which have been referred to as,! “Blackout in a can.”  [What is that ! random exclamation point?] Alcohol companies are targeting college students with these products without regard for your safety but with ample regard for your amusement. National attention has been focused on this particular beverage because of a couple of very troubling incidents at Central Washington University and Ramapo College in Northern New Jersey where students clearly don't know how to hold their liquor.


We want to take this opportunity to provide you with some information about caffeinated alcoholic beverages and about mixing caffeine and alcohol in an effort to aid you in your decision making. Mixing alcohol and caffeine is not a new concept, but the recent cases involving students who were hospitalized after drinking beverages combining the two in a large can, is a cause for concern across college campuses and elsewhere around the co! untry. Please pardon my random exclamation point. At the request of 18 attorney generals, or 18 attorneys general, the Food and Drug Administration is reviewing whether the drinks are safe.  But since the FDA already approved lots of other things that are bad for you, don't worry.  You'll still be able to find this amazing beverage. 


Four Loko is one brilliant example of a caffeinated alcoholic fruit punch beverage. The 23 ounce can of this drink contains an equivalent amount of alcohol to four 12 ounce beers and 156 milligrams of caffeine. So you know, a five hour energy has 138 mg, a 12 oz. diet coke has 45 mg, a red bull has 80 mg, and a grande starbucks coffee has 330 mg. The danger here is not just the alcohol content but rather, the combination of high amounts of alcohol and caffeine. And that you had no idea that starbucks coffee had that much caffeine.


Drinking high amounts of caffeine can cause symptoms like rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath,! BAM, I'm Emeril, dizziness, feeling jittery and nausea. When consumed in combination wi! th BAM alcohol, caffeine may produce the feeling of being “wide awake” despite the fact that one may be intoxicated on alcohol. This is a perfect combination for having a party while studying for finals. The fact that the depressant effects of alcohol are mitigated by the caffeine may lead people to continue to drink alcohol and thereby become dangerously drunk. Law school might do the same thing.



We strongly recommend that you steer clear of these types of drinks and from mixing alcohol with other caffeine containing beverages. Use soda water instead. It has fewer calories. We also recommend that you avoid mixing other substances with alcohol as a general rule. Everyone knows that vodka tastes better straight anyway. Unless it's from a plastic bottle. Then mix it with whatever cheap juice you have. Boston University is concerned for your personal safety and we hope that you will use this information to make wise health choice! s. BAM.



With best regards for your drunk and awake future,


REDACTED, Director, Student Health Services


REDACTED, Chief of Police