Paula's Back

This is a repost of our earlier Paula Franzese from back when we learned property.  I updated a little.

We already "learned" real property.  Today we're "focused on" Secured Transactions and Commercial Paper.  This woman is teaching it to us:

I wonder what collateral was required for this face:

Thanks to "Derick" for this one octomom:

Thanks to "Rabid Florida Fan" for this nanny:

I'll add in backups/runners up if you send 'em in.  And if you know why she uses the hand-held mic instead of the clip-on, please let us know.

Auction Off Your Barbri Pass

You haven't been to your Barbri class in quite some time. It's not that you're lazy, you just really like sleep and don't want to do stuff. I understand. As a bonus, when you start cramming the week before you fail the bar, you can watch all the videos online at 1.5x speed. This makes the lectures much more bearable. Like an incredibly debilitating migraine, rather than a full frontal lobotomy. And you can do it at home, pants optional.

You still have your Barbri pass, though. It is just sitting there, lonely and sad. Perhaps you should try to get it to a new owner, who will use it and take it for walks. There are people out there who might use it. They didn't get a firm job, and figured it wasn't worth paying $3500 to not attend a class. Silly them. Now, they are trying to learn domestic relations, and they are failing, and desperate. Guess what, there is still a Barbri class on domestic relations! You are going to watch it online.

Why not see if you can help one of those desperate people. Lend them your pass (for money). You can try posting it on Craigslist. If you are anti-Craigslist, you can also auction it off on ebay. There are 34 regular Barbri classes, which means each class should be worth about $100. You are also paying for some books, testing, etc., but still. Get some cash, son.

Guest Submission: Craig's List Redux - Finding A Soul Mate

We have posted about Craig's List before.  Today, however, we received a guest submission from "NS."

So I knew Craig's list offered a space for posting personals for
hookers and such, but did you know there was a link for "missed
connections"?  Just discovered it when a friend found a posting
directed at us, and I cannot now focus on the agency/partnership
lecture as I am dying reading these:

http://milwaukee.craigslist.org/mis/

you're. welcome.

Thank you NS.  Good luck with agency and partnership ("Make him liable.")

Some other relevant missed connection sites for our readers:

• Boston
• New York City
• Los Angeles
• Washington, DC
• Baltimore
• Chicago

Determine Why You Are Cursed

Today, you are sitting in a classroom watching a movie. It is not a good movie. In fact, it is painfully boring, filled with information that you will never use, because you will never have enough assets to make a will worthwhile. This afternoon, you will study some other annoying subject, and stress about how little you know. You did the same thing yesterday. While LeBron was telling the world on live television where he was going to make millions of dollars and nail groupies/strippers, you were looking at Civil Practice flashcards and crying. And what will you do this weekend? More goddamn flash cards.

God hates you. Or the gods hate you. Or you have angered the spirits. Or the Flying Spaghetti Monster hates you. Whatever. Somebody hates you. And not just your friends and family, somebody with power. You have been cursed. It is time to figure out why, in the hopes that you can correct it.

This may be difficult. First, you don't actually know which powerful being(s) you have angered. There are a lot of possibilities. Religious beings, old and new. Beings from religions that haven't been invented yet. The Matrix. You get the point. You simply cannot go through every possibility.

So you should try some generic things. Let's make a list:

1. Determine if you are a generally bad person. You know, murdering people, stealing kid's Halloween candy, clubbing baby seals, etc. Stop. Unless you really enjoy them.
   
2. Make a list of your annoying habits/traits. If I described what you are doing accurately, or you can see yourself doing this in the next few years, you have a lot. Then try to change these habits. I know, making self-improvement lists is annoying.
3. Stop saying things like goddamn. Blasphemy is bad.
4. Speak in tongues and play with snakes.
5. Sacrifice a goat. Unless you are already doing this for fun, then just take it seriously.
6. Cry. You are probably still cursed. Suckers.

Perform Creative Abortions

There are those that are pro-life/anti-choice and those that are pro-choice.  I fall into a different category.  I'm pro-abortion.  This world is overpopulated enough already, right?  As you know, we love lists.  So here is a list or step-by-step guide for creative ways to perform abortions.

7. Use Tools From Home Depot
Turns out you're pregnant.  Or your girlfriend/wife/friend's mother/friend's girlfriend/transgender dad/transgender boyfriend is pregnant.  Look around your house.  You're not going to find any effective tools.  That Hoover?  No it's too wide and flat to be effective.  What you need a specially made tool for the job.  You need the Dyson DC31 Animal Handheld Vacuum Cleaner.  Here's a picture:

6. Push the Lady Off the Roof
What?  That didn't work?  Or you were scared that the bagless system would leave too much of a mess?  You're probably correct.  What next?  Push the preggo off the roof, or if you're the lucky one yourself, jump off the roof:

5. Scare the Lady With a Horse

The fall didn't work?  That's fetus is a tough one.  Maybe mom isn't so tough.  This method cannot be performed by the mom-to-be by herself.  However, if you're lucky, maybe mom is like Ms. Mitchell of Mitchell v. Rochester Railway.  In that case, on April Fools day in 1891, Ms. Mitchell was standing at a street corner when a team of horses came running up at her.  She wasn't hit by the horses because they stopped with her head between the heads of the first two horses.  If she had been six inches to the right or left she would have been kissing mare [link NSFW].  

Why does this matter?

She testified that from fright and excitement caused by the approach and proximity of the team she became unconscious, and also that the result was a miscarriage and consequent illness. Medical testimony was given to the effect that the mental shock which she then received was sufficient to produce that result.

So get your horses ready and run them right up to her.  But, beware, she might be able to sue you for negligent infliction of emotional distress.  But not in New York if this case is still good law.

4. Jousting
If the horses don't do the trick you both still have options.  Don't worry.  Dad-to-be could punch her in the stomach, but this post is about creative methods of abortion, not typical ones.  Instead take her to Medieval Times and put her up on that horse.  Pay off the bad knight to joust her in the stomach.  Mom - don't block at all.  If the jousting stick thingie lance goes all the way through you're golden.  If she's wearing the pregnant lady's armor, you're screwed.  This is frustrating.

Don't do this:

3. Pray

This method is almost as effective as the pull-out and rhythm methods of birth control.  Which is probably how you got mixed up in this in the first place.  Good luck.  Maybe God will be on your side this time.  But probably not.

2. Flush the Baby Down the Toilet
All else has failed.  You're going to be a parent.  Congrats?  Not so much?  You should follow the lead of this twenty-two year old Indian woman who gave birth on an airplane.  According to news reports she tried to flush the baby down the toilet, its head got stuck, she went back to her seat, and nobody discovered the baby until the plane landed.  At that point they removed the toilet and baby from the plane and took her to the hospital.

I thought this was something new.  Turns out it isn't:

• March 2009
• April 2008
• August 2007
• November 2006 - this one was an "accident."

1. Abandon and Expose
So I guess there's still some chance that the child survived.  The doctors got to it in time.  If that happens, leave it by the side of the road, at a convent, in a dumpster, or with your mother-in-law.  You'll never see the kid again.  Maybe it'll be raised by wolves and end up taking over an empire one day.  Who knows?

Good luck!